Damnit! I woke up this morning and felt so guilty..I suddenly got all these thoughts in my head and felt like I ought to be shot. U know, my parents know this manic depressive guy who out of nowhere ran to columbia and married this lady he met on the internet. It turns out he was an extreme case and hadn't been taking his meds. They had to get ennulled.
I hit on a 13 year old last night, and he liked me back. My friends little brother none the less. For some reason this morning it was bothering the crap out of me. I felt completely shootable. I wanted to freaking cry. I felt like i was in the middle of that episode of friends where ross and rachel get drunk and marry eachother, and then wake up. Except with out all the comedic excess and laugh tracks.
I got a hold of my head this morning and knocked some sense into it after a few hours of freaking out. One-Nice guy Two-Only two FREAKING years, not big deal, Three-I think i have a chance with this guy (BAT BAT BAT BAT) What happened to her? She got hurt. (Thomas hit her with a bat). Umm..www.homestarrunner.com click "teen girl squad".
But seriously today i was having fun, but at the same time i felt sick. When we went to see bringing down the house, I barely laughed. It was forced. Damnit damnit. Saw the ring today. Wasn't scary as people make it out to be. The best horror movie ever is still Carrie. It kinda crazy though because while its horrible, at the same time most teenage girls just wanna cheer for her. How many times have you wished you could ice every nasty popular child in the school with a blank stare? Not to mention the funniest way to die is by far electrocution. I wanna dance before death!
Having a dinner tommorow. Not quite sure how many people are coming yet. Thinking between ru sage marley katie and maybe others. Folks say im not allowed to cook more than five. I mean FOR more than five. Muahaha...
"Call me a bus driver, cuz I'm taking you to SCHOOL! (threatening fist)"-ru

Hahaha word I'm over Saul. I met somebodeeeee :-D!!!
Half the people reading this are going to freak-Martin Alexion. I met him at the celebrate the arts thing. He was w/ grant walker. And we started talkin and shtuff. And then we were at dairy queen with marley and grant and bess and sarah and we had arms on eachothers shoulders outside :-) woot woot. This might develop hopefully if i can see him again. First person to mail me a phone number or email address gets a happy face. Im a dipshit because i asked for his screen name and he didn't have one cuz his comp's old and i was like o'. Why didn't i get a freaking phone number! At least i got both of his names this time. Most of the time im like "i like brian!" and people are like "brian who?" and im like "mesa une dipshit!"
WHOA CRAP MARLEY JUST TOLD ME HE'S SARA'S BROTHER!! NO WAY!! I HAVE SARA'S NUMBER!
score dude, score. I don't really care if he's thirteen. I'll rob the cradle. I'll rob the cradle well buahaha. What's two years anyway? I don't care! I don't care one bit! Cuz im crazy!
I'm happy dude. Actually truly happy. Not in a long time has it not been manic happiness. I feel scungy for hitting on a thirteen year old but who cares! He's a respectful cute thirteen year old. If there aren't enough fish in the sea, switch to a freaking younger ocean! I'll die first!
"Euuww my scalps all hairy!"-Me.

So today i was walking home and i saw a bunch of newspapers frozen under ice. That was definetely cool looking. I plan to freeze some milk and stare at it.
My blog comments are still not working! It is my intention to sit at this godforsaken FREAKING computer until it does!
By the way, has anyone else noticed they put "Dark comedy about introversion, social isolation, and insanity" at the top of my blog? I think they're implying something. J/k its a link to another site but its funny how they just "happened" to have it there.
I got in the district art show! My art class went up to see it today, and i saw my drawing there and i was like :-O and yelled at mr shelton for not telling me. He was like "haha yeah i do that sometimes". Silly butt. I was surprised at a bunch of people's art in there that i didn't even know did art. Like Chad! How the hell did i miss that one? His picture was amazing! Also! Aaron Loss, I've only seen him skateboard. Then again, that sounds like my brother, so I guess I can't really judge by that one. My tap teacher's drawing was in there. Doug farber got two in, my buddy Emily Quinn got one in. Amanda Gordon as well. Marley got one in by total chance, but of course mine was far superior because I am far superior to marley. I love you Marley!
American Idol once again picked my chosen one, and she will WIN! I'm sure of it! You kick butt for me Trenyce!
"You've got something on your face."-Main character in a movie I can't remember the name of after kicking dirt over a severed head in a ditch.

I am doing well in tae kwon do recently. I beat the crap out of this purple belt today in free sparring! Dude, she didn't stand a chance! Power to my fast feet! Although she got me in the stomach a few times so I guess I can't talk too much. Haha we had to feel out these contracts for being treated abusively in a relationship for health with questions like "Should my partner spend money or me/ Is it okay for him to hit me for any reason/ect". There was a question on it that said "How much do I want my partner to use drugs or alcohol". I wrote "minimally". Mr Marinello gave me a weird look, so I changed it to "none" but honestly I can't be a hypocrite in a relationship. I like wine too much.
Speaking of b/f's, Saul never actually answered me, but i heard somewhere he liked someone else. I am a little too caught up in other things to get over that right now, so in the meantime I'm just going to let him live with the illusion that I have hope, and continue being the best friend I can be at this point. Because that is a friendship I don't want to kill. He's too nice. If any other guy did that to me, I'd kick his ass, but Saul is too nice.
In other news! My dad is a hippie :-D I'm so proud. He is making plans for my family to go to the national peace march on the capitol in washington D.C. next saturday! I swear I've never seen him this angry about anything the government is doing in my entire life! I hope I get to go. I'm bringing my camera so I can take pictures of history. I get to be a part of history! Sweeeet....
So! I think i'm on an upswing at this point. Let's hope it holds for tommorow, I'm going to need it. Mrs.Carabelli is going to discuss my issues with the school counselor and Dr. Langman (my current shrink and my mom's fired-nastily shrink). If Dr Langman wants to give me an evaluation, one of my folks has to sign a release form. Dad says he'll sign it, but under no circumstances can we tell my mom I'm seeing him for this particular reason. She hates that guy so much. All he did was be honest. Mom is too sensitive. I hope I never get as bad as her. So hopefully I'm on the road to recovery. Let's also hope my mom ,the old lady with road rage on the recovery road, does not start screaming at me and slowing me down. Tasty analogy to think about huh?
"It takes 42 face muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 arm muscles to bitch-slap somebody"-bumper sticker

I saw a really cool car on my way to starbucks! It was a black pickup with purple and blue flames on it. I want a beetle just like it.
Made my english class laugh today. Mrs. Kennedy asked us what we would do with 20,000$, and i immediately yelled "Duck farm!".
I was feeling writsy today so i wrote a poem and a freewrite. The difference between the two is one is structured and hacked to bits after the first draft to make it flow (Poem) and the other is just what my brain sounds like when it talks sometimes (freewrite). The freewrites can be one of three ways my brain thinks. Just talking about what i see and how its making me feel, third person (i.e. Hannah walked through the cold on the way to her house), or imagined dialogue ("Mom, i think i have manic depression" "what makes you say that? you seem fine").
Here was my poem. Don't get freaked out by talking about cuts, i am an overly metaphoric writer at times. Literal thoughts don't usually apply.

Where it Belongs

I got a cut late last week
Bloods still flowing, trying to speak
I showed the cut to friends at will
They showed me mercy for my kill
But can they see the blood within?
To some my cut is only skin
I've held the wound for so long
Its meaning has been long since gone
If the cut only i can see
How can someone else help me?
It seems the only way to heal
Is rip the cut and make it real
But it seems more reason to have lied
and let the blood remain inside
Where it belongs.

The freewrite is in the mode of the first way i think, just talking about where I am and what its doing to my mind. Generally these aren't as cleanly cut or good sounding. I wrote this while i was sitting at starbucks a couple hours ago.

Smoke rushes my concious. Thoughts rush my mind as I gaze on pensive faces and perked-up workers. The drink clounds my senses in ignorant bliss as I embrace the quiet of the dim lit room. Of nothing would anyone expect me to do here except keep my spot clean and pay for my cup. I come to escape parents that won't silence and to complete homework that nags on my brain. If I only took the bus a little farther, I'd be away from home completely. But guilt holds me back as I stare into an empty paper cup. Caffiene mind rush adds to the manic mindrush as I scratch out frantic settings in red pen. When going home is dread, It should be sad I find it better here in this franchise dump. But in many ways I'm glad I came. It's said cofee isn't good for you, but it seems to make me nicer than normal. Just another chemical to delay the descent (or ascent for that matter) back into possible manic depression. But a comfy chair and silence from family and friends is well worth the buss fare and astronomically priced coffee. My cup is empty and my coat is sitting across from me telling me I should leave. If only I could stay here through dinner and life in this highly commercialized sanctuary. But i find myself returning to mayhem and house like the executioner is bound to the switch.

That gets weirder every time I read it.
"You know what I don't get about West Side Story? The guy runs into spanish harlem and yells "Maria!" and only one girl sticks her head out the window! What is up with that?"-Kim (friend of my dad's, stand up comedian).

Best day i've had in a long time! I am in CPYA now. I am in character cafe and i signed up for a rock-a-thon commitee. So now i'm officially a CPYA member. Not exactly sure how it happened, but its one more thing i can add to college apps and job apps and tae kwon do belt apps. Teehee, fun in a bucket. Anyways we had a meeting to plan the rock-a-thon at the police annex from 2nd to 9th period :-D field trip. I'm on the food commitee. We discussed food. We also ate a lot. They had some KILLER chicken pizza there for lunch. It was like buffallo chicken or something with all these mexican spices and cheese and spicy chicken. When we came back from the trip i was all like :-( cuz i thought it was math, but we had a sub for math :-D!! Easiness! And then it was english, which is also pretty relaxed. This was a good day. CPYA rocks the hizouse.
Im starting to think i've got a bit of a mood thing. was a really good day, but out of nowhere i kept feeling depressed, then it would bounce back up again. Although i'm pretty well masked emotionally so it tends to not register anywhere on the outside. I don't really get it. Kind of like ru's entry from the other day where he was talking about being difficult to read..it happens with me but its not anger and depression getting mixed up its depression and cheerfulness of energy and tiredness or anxiety and energy. I need to take a long look at my brain.
"W'ere different on the outside, but on the inside w'ere all full of blood and piss"-Threebrain

Saw Footloose last night at Bala Cynwyd Middle School. Ms. Wolf choreographed it. Cool beans. This is starting to look like yesterday. I wish it was yesterday so i wouldn't have to go to school tommorow.
I helped Marley and her mom with the whole celebrate the arts shtick today. Its looking purty good. We dance like the sun. And the water. Marley dances w/ an umbrella and i swish around in a big blue skirt for water. It looks really cool. We are one with the universe. ommm.
Anyways, walter and dad are putting screws into a chair. Walters art project is making an emotional chair sculpture. They have to make a chair portray some kind of emotion. I forget exactly what emotion walter is doing, but it involves a nose and some arms. And a tissue. Art is weird. I submitted a drawing of a sunfish trapped in a water bottle for the literary magazine contest. There is also an octopus shoved in the top of the bottle. I titled it "condensed aquatics".
I have real AIM now because we killed the other crappy netscape one. I am so happy. Now i have a buddy icon (The cheat w/ a glowstick) and I can go in chatrooms w/ people :-D. And all my happy faces look really chubby compared to the old one. Ahh, the internet has its day.
"Diharhea flows like the river"-Ryan Stiles, On Whose Line doing interpretive dance