I need to make this one long to knock the quiz off the end of the week and keep that description thingie from blocking my entries.
I had the most freaking disturbing dream of my life last night, second only to the one where I was married to my brother's friend Carl *shudder*. I was two months pregnant, and I knew who the father was but he was dating my best friend. She didn't know. I didn't feel like I had been raped, but I knew the father was not talking to me and trying to cover it up. I remember feeling my stomach and feeling really sick and worried. At first, it didn't seem that bad, then thoughts were going through my mind about being 15 and not having a rest of my childhood and then something told me I was having a baby in an hour, although I knew I wasn't due for a few months. I blacked out, then I was lying in bed that looked like the one in my old room and the room was really small and crowded with a bunch of people. I knew it was you guys, but the only one I actually saw was Neil. Then I was running away with my hands on my stomach screaming about something, and I woke up.
Highly disturbing. I interpreted it, and it said it was fortunate, or signifying a turning point. My dream interpretations usually never come true. I think my life will just keep trudging as usual.
Parents. I wanted to go to that Leopalooza thing tonite at the Ardsley Community Center, but of course I lost one of my tap shoes and Dad isn't letting me go because It's gone and he has to buy me new shoes. Also, we have to get ready for mother's day. I really wanted to freaking go. Sonar Mellowship is playing. And my friends are gonna be there. I don't wanna be here in my house with all my Anger. The worst is, all of it's directed at myself. When you get angry at someone, you want to punch or kill them sometimes. That's how I act towards myself and It's painful to deal with. It won't freaking leave me alone. I remember when I didn't know the reprocussions of it when I was little. I used to pull my hair out and crap. Its gotten worse lately. I haven't been doing anything, but I've developed a nervous habit of pinching my fingers together to keep them from going somewhere else. I need to talk to Carol about it. Tuesday couldn't come any sooner. I need to do something about this before I get hurt. When I show a dialogue between myself and my brain, I believe that in this situation my brain is attacking me. It feels separate.
I am scaring myself heavily.
Dinner is ready.
Do I want to give mom anything? Yes. To keep her from getting angry for not giving her anything. That shouldn't be the reason. I need to appreciate her. But why?..I know she does something..what the hell does she do..a paycheck..is that all? Feed me? She's supposed to feed me! If she didn't feed me, I'd be calling child services! Name of the goddess..
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."-Somerset Maugham

Ok. So. I had a day. I don't really remember if anything happened. Had this queer dream last night where Mr Sitron was my uncle and he highlighted his hair blonde.
I finished my wire sculpture, complete with queer contemporary title drawn in caps on the wood base. "FATIGUE". Oooh, good name for a guy sitting with a newspaper and cofee at a diner counter with a lady taking the order. Ooo. Not sure what I should do next. Whatever it is, it's due on may 16 and I haven't started. Perhaps I should stay after on tuesday? Yes. Considering I'm going to new york on thursday and missing two whole friggin' art classes. Wahhh X5.
W'ere reading To Kill A Mockingbird. Well well. Not to bad, bookwise.
Not a lot else to say. Corned beef is gross on many levels during the hot season.
"Welcome to morning..the most earliest time of the day.."-Me, guess when??

Cheeseblog, cheeseblog, cheesy cheesy cheeseblog..
Ok. Here was today in brain dialogue/ narrative format.

Brain:Hannah, get up.
Hannah:noooooo...
Brain:Come on. Its 6 15. Get up.
Hannah:Lay off imsh tryin to sleep..
Brain: GET UP!
Hannah: Ok, geesh (moves for cheat hoodie and stringie jeans)
Brain:no way in hell, you're cold now but you'll be hot later.
Hannah: I don't feel like listening to you right now, I'm turning you off.
Brain: NO! W-(shhhhhhhhh)
Free of my brain, I ate several cookies for breakfast and fell asleep on the couch until it was time for me to run to my bus stop. Then I got to school and had to turn it on again.
Brain:Math clinic.
Hannah: Fine, idiot. I have to go to the bathroom.
Brain: I have to learn math or you'll fail. Go upstairs. Hold it until zuckers.
Hannah: Noooo..
Brain:yess...
Went to math clinic. Learned a small fraction of the crap I needed. Zuckers. Dissected a starfish. You know, I actually like dissection. It's funny-looking. Not gross. Somehow it just makes me laugh like poop makes a little boy laugh. Then it was art. The real fun begins.

Its hannah's art table show! Starring Amanda Gordon, Marley Weiner, Matt Bartle and yours truly with her brain.
Hannah:I'm not taking anyone to formal.
Matt:Take me!
Everyone:(Stares at matt in disbelief)
Brain: WTF is he serious?? He annoys the shite outta me!
Marley:O wow.
Matt:Seriously.
Amanda: Yeah Hannah I think he's being serious.
Hannah: Hold up lemme think for a minute
Brain: ?????????
Hannah: O come on brain! At least tell me whether I'm supposed to say no or not!
Brain: Wait, he's not that bad.
Hannah:Didn't you just say he annoyed the crap out of you?
Brain: That's only because u pick on him because a bunch of people thought you were going out at one point and that pissed you off. Then he started being annoying.
Hannah:...Jesus, was I?
Marley: Hannah's like hmmm..how to say no without hurting his feelings...
Hannah: No! I'm still thinking cuz...
Brain: Ur not sure if he can go to Julies party beforehand...
Hannah: I'm not sure if i can get rides to Julies whatchmagble *trail off*
Brain: O nice one slyfox.
Hannah:Hold up, I'll think about it.
Brain: YOU BITCH! I'M ALREADY OVERLOADED!
Hannah:I'll see him in math u stupid brain.It's a yes or no, just freaking decide.
Amanda:Awww, go with him, it'd be cute!
Brain:It would be cute!
Hannah: Can I say yes?
Brain: NO!
Ok, so that episode was pretty interesting. I feel sorry for matt. I didn't realize I had insecurity in me still. Why should I give a crap what people think? I usually just tell them they're wrong and move on these days. I've changed a lot since the beginning of the year when that whole thing happened. Or so I thought. He's not that bad a kid. A bit psychopathic, but so am I on all accounts. But still..
Brain: Won't other people think ur dorky?
Hannah: Prally. Hold up, lemme ask the people that tend to be real gossip bitches or hate matt and see what they think.

Molly:What??
Shane:Hehe, have fun.
Ellie: Awwwwwwww!
Jenna: Awww, do you like him? (Me, NO! FRIEND!)
Dan&Jake:Hahahahahhahahahaha Bartle.
Emily:No he didn't! Awwww..

Hannah:Ok, so nobody's juding me negatively, can I freaking say yes yet?
Brain: Hold up, you have a social studies test.
Hannah: Dammnit!
(study-take test)
Hannah: So?
Brain: Ok. Fine. Just keep him in line and don't send any mixed signals.
Hannah: What?
So I said yes. He seemed happy. Geez. This will be the turning point for me. I've been lying to myself again. I need to kill it off. I can't believe how bitchy I've been without noticing. lordlordlord. He's a nice guy. I don't really know what my friggin problem is, but nows the time to solve it. I have a date to the formal. Good. Now If I can just stab the sliver of shallow judgement issues I still have left leering, I can be happy. I lied myself into confidence. Now I need to truth myself. Poor Matt. Having to put up with my psycho decision making. Now I'm pissed at myself for making such a big deal over something that stupid. Geez.
"Never miss a good chance to shut up."-Will Rodgers.

So.
Very tired. Losing weight somewhat successfully. Give it one more week and I can stop. I hate pants. Don't you hate pants?
I finished Tightrope. Good book. A bit on the odd side, but very good nonetheless. So much homework that I'm not sure if i'm going to do. Eh, I'll do it. It will save me some brain trauma. Zucker is the man. My 54 went up to a much prettier but still not wonderful 73. And he's letting me turn in the fungi packet from last month. Geez. Marinello is also slowly redeeming himself by not taking any late points off on my six packets I turned in a week late. I am the world's cutest procrastinator. But we had to watch that nasty miracle of life video. Oh god blech. Luckily when I have a baby I'll be at an angle where I can't see it. Make that if I have a baby. Who knows anymore? Dad said I was perfect when I was born. No mess. I was a C-section. He said that Walter was uglier cuz he had just gotten squeezed through a tube. Ehe. Dad's funny.
I hate math. Burning passion. Malis will not help with anything. He is making me el sicko. I would learn 4 times as much by going to clinic every ninth period. If Mrs. Beck was my private tutor, I'd never have a problem again.
Oh yeah, I have to do that thing with the stuff tomorrow. Talking to Rydal children in the manner of "Join Builder's club! I'm the president! Whee! I'm older than you!". Maybe they'll give us recess like Overlook did when we read to them.
Soup.
The trip to harrisburg yesterday was pretty entertaining. Especially that house of represenatives meeting we sat in on. I witnessed an important event in Pennsylvania history-the choosing of the state cookie. O dear god. Our tax dollars were paying these people to sit there and eat cookies. They decided on the Nazareth Sugar Cookie (??QM??) they could have at least decided on a decent cookie. They introduced the Abington Student Council sitting at the back and the c-span cameras all turned on us. We had to stand up while they clapped or whatever. I curtsyed and blew a kiss. I think some democrats laughed. Maybe. They also got their picture taken for some newspaper and awarded some merit stuff to some diving teams. Then they allowed a 20 minute recess to move the camera equipment to the other side of the room. Then we left. It was like watching a big class of elementary school kids. "Ok kids, snacktime! Sugar cookies! Now w'ere going to see some people get special awards! Now clear your desks for the class photo! Represenative Bard, stop talking. All of you. Quiet down! Say cheese! K, recess time!". Politicians. Hrmph.
The supreme court is the prettiest room I've ever been in by far. I could have stayed there forever. Everything is so damn comfy! All the chairs are leather and such.
We went to the governor's residence. Rendell wasn't there, but his dog was chillin. That was pretty cool.
The harrisburg museum was pretty cool. All 43 of us put our visitor stickers on the back of Mr. Balbier's coat. He pretended he didn't notice and walked around like that. He's awesome. Wish I took law for that reason only.
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced."-Frank Zappa aka God.

I love my father.
I love Dr. Keidel.
I love my friends. All of you.
Keep love at bay..thats what comes to mind now and again. Remember that there is love and you can always feel it. It's stronger. It breaks through the crap and untangles the knot. It can't take away the string, but it can untangle the knot. If you remember that you have love..if you remember you have people..it's all you need sometimes. The bad exists. Without the bad you lose perspective. I wouldn't be as smart or wise if I didn't go through so much crap. Because wisdom often deviates from experience. I am grateful for my issues. How else would I learn? How could I attain freedom, If I didn't know true imprisonment. I have freedom. Its here again. Thinking, dreaming..it got to much.
I need to talk.
Keidel. Wonderful lady. My dad. Wonderful guy. We have a relationship. Dad said today during my appointment that it was "mutual admiration". That made me so happy. My role model admires me? Lovely. He has a way of making me cry in a sentence.
I love you guys. My most recent addition to my oblong circle of friends. I can talk. I can say three words and you can understand. If you don't, you ask. It makes me so happy. I feel free now. Because I can speak again. Being here is nice. I mind life sometimes. Everyday I want that blackness that some people see as death. But knowing its not real makes me want to accept life.
Motivation is key. I want to live to see what happens. I don't want to end here. Dullness in life only happens when you make it. Take my shoes off and keep walking. My mask is cast off for today at least. Freedom. At long last, I can talk.
My dad is letting me see Keidel every week. He's paying for it. I jumped up and hugged him when he said that. This is the best thing he's ever done for me. I love him. I love you all.
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."-Wendell Johnson.

real dialogue: Walter et Moi

Walter: How do you get acrylic paint out of a shirt?
Hannah:Shout.
Walter:(looks down at shirt) AHHHH!

Harrisburg tomorrow w/ student council.
Geez, practical weight loss. This all derives from me being too cheap to buy new clothes. Once I get a job, I will eat whatever the freak I want. Actually, no. Those rippy jeans I have..you'll need a crowbar or several million dollars. But if it were up to me, I'd always have my cozy coat of flab. I really think I look fine the way I am. But my wallet begs to differ *sigh* yeesh. If I ever lost an extreme amount of weight, it would be happen for dance or tae kwon do performance. I don't put myself for that kind of torture just for other people's possible opinion. Besides, not being hot is partial rape insurance :-D.
My dad says my hallucinations are a form of self-hypnosis, and that buhdist monks practice doing the thing that happens to me and scares the living daylights out of me. That thing is getting stuck in the stage between conciousness and dreaming and I see a window with a picture in it. Scary as shit. But if dad is right, I'm not crazy. Every bit of cosmic advice he has thrown at me has been true, but I'm not sure. Dr. Cydell tommorow. Finally.
"What doesn't kill me will regret letting me live."-Ryan Collins.

Dialogue-Breakfast conversation between Hannah and her Brain.

Brain:Have a slimfast.
Hannah:Why?
Brain:Your pants don't fit.
Hannah:Give it a rest, I'll excercise.
Brain:No you won't, I'm tired.
Hannah:I don't give a crap if ur tired, I have tae kwon do tonight, I'll excercise.
Brain:Eat toast at least. Something with honey on it. I want honey.
Hannah:K. Hey, theres Baklava in the fri-
Brain:Don't even think about it.
Hannah:Why the hell not?
Brain:Crappy breakfast. You'll have a crappy day.
Hannah:I had Baklava for breakfast yesterday!
Brain: You had a crappy day yesterday!
Hannah: That's not true, I saw Holes with Alyssa last night!
Brain: I was wondering why my hormone sector was screaming "zigzag" last night.
Hannah: Cram it, I'm eating Baklava.
Brain: No you aren't. I control you. You are having toast and tea. Baklava gave you a crappy day. You saw Holes at night. You were staring into space in your room for three hours straight yesterday.
Hannah:So? I'm depressed.
Brain: That doesn't mean you can't just run with it and do something else. Like freaking excercise. Which I know you won't cuz ur too damn lazy to fill ur bike up with air.
Hannah: Fine, I'll eat ur friggin toast. Happy?
Brain:No. I'm never happy.
Hannah:Well screw you.

"Remember, today is the tommorow that you worried about yesterday."-Dale Carnegie.