Full is not heavy as empty not nearly my love...

I feel so sick. I know exactly whats missing. I know what i'm supposed to be doing. I know what i need. But i'm so afraid..so goddamn afraid...so much crappy weird energy in me..i shouldn't be afraid..fear..o lord.

I like transitions. I always have. That bus ride to school in the morning, the car ride to tae kwon do, the walk between class to class, bus ride from my house to starbucks, commercials between my crappy 8 tv channels. I wish those would last forever. Then i could just keep thinking. Stay in my dreamworld until i die.

Keep in mind there is no escape. Should i ever run away from my house, they will find me. I could run unto the ends of the earth. No matter what hole in spain or tree in jamacia, the people i know will find me. Or I will die.

I have been outside of reality too long. This weird haze whenever i read an engulfing book such as harry potter. If i stay outside reality too long, its cold and weird when i come back. Especially if your life seems too close to the book.

I am still grounded.

I love my father so much. If anything were ever to happen to him I would never stop hurting. I almost want to die first. But that would make him sad. Shit. When my father dies i will never stop hurting. I wont be able to kill myself at that moment because i know he wouldn't want that. Suicide i mean.
Dark thoughts.
Ryan i have a wisp too. But mine has eyes. And hands with claws.


"Gee, i wonder what it would be like to have a difficult life?"-Harry Potter

Barges and heedle hot!

...okay what the fuck thoughts keep blarting into my mind like that? That wasn't even english..well, heedle wasn't...nevermind.
I finally started reading Harry Potter. 'bout time, huh? It's pretty good.
Did a lot of sucessful thrifting this week with the assistance of Jen, Tim, Ali, Marla, Becca, Temma, Maxi, and myself. I want to go tommorow too but of course i'm freaking grounded. Although its kind of a blessing in disguise..i could use a nap. And some artwork.
Recent artwork-bitchin sculpture of a hand out of pipecleaners. Life sized and well proportioned. Creepy, too. I like it!
Recent cool outing-Mom daughter moment! We went to baltimore to the Artscape street festival. It took place on the street right near where Walter's going to college. He's going to Maryland Institute College of Art hererfore known as MICA. We went into some of the MICA galleries and i got a brief glimpse of where they make the huge metal sculptures (SO cool!). We ate a whole mess of delicious curly fries and pina colada smoothies. There was some dancers performing. Including a bellydance school. Holy crap! I want in this shit. Their philosophy seems to be "Yes! I have flab! I have flab and it's cute and i'm going to shake it! Watch it dance! Whoo! Screw you all society!". That's me! And there was this lebanese cane dancing lady that was awesome!
I also got this bitching henna tatoo of an ankh on my right arm that i wish was real.
It's been a hell of a long time since i've had fun with mom.
...i want a corn dog.
In conclusion, you know all that sappy "you can't judge a book by it's cover" stuff? Well, you usually can. But not by society's standards and crap. You can be the prettiest most wonderful looking barbie in the world but if you either have a fake smile or a look on your face like you have dog shit under your nose, you are usually a nasty person.
I accept almost anyone. But superficial shallow people make me so sick. I don't care if people are ugly. Because inner beauty counts more than you think. And most "pretty" people look like they have enough makeup on that it needs to be removed with a paint scraper anyway. And their emacieted. Don't get me wrong, i have many moments where i wish i was prettier. But thats only because i have hormones like all mammals and wish to attract some form of mate. That sounds pathetic to most, but if you look within you feel the same way too so shut up.
I love you guys.
"Ho...hoho...hohoho....see it can either be a prostitute, dessert, or chuckle!"-A pretty comment of mine on Beccas blog..