And my mothere wonders why her Karma sucks.
She walked in here and just blasted a lot of truth in my ears about me. Shes right I know she is. My grades suck. I have a 49 in math. a fucking. 40. 9. Of course, one quiz that was supposed to me counted as extra credit shows up as a freaking 0/100, one quiz i have to make up shows as a 0/40 and two homeworks that are supposed to be there aren't. I also have two C's, a high and a low. 85 in gym from days i was depressed and skipped, but i couldn't tell them that. She called me a chronic liar. I am a chronic liar. She's right. But I still buried my face in my hands. I told her what I thought. I don't know why. I don't. Not one fucking bit. Why. I don't want to go to community college. But these days, I don't even fucking want college at all sometimes. i don't want to be bound by the damn school system. I don't want to be at some place where my family doesn't stop bothering me and sending me shit and calling me and always knowing where I am and what I'm studying, even though i'm on the other side of the freaking state/ country. I want to run away. I just want to up and leave. Not college. Just run off somewhere. Don't tell them. Somewhere where I can just run around and tell stories. Become the old crazy storyteller lady of a nondescript village. Maybe fall in love and have kids. Maybe. But when mom talks of college and future and putting different words into different blanks that make a successful human that goes to school and gets a job, I go crazy. I want to run as far away as I can. But no matter what I do I'll still be on the same fucking planet, so they'll still be able to find me.
I'm freaking trapped.
I don't want these grades, and yet I get them because I don't care anymore. Some kind of enthusiasim i had last year about college died on me. I want it to come back, and yet I don't because I am so much HAPPIER.
I don't want to be trapped anymore. I'll get the stupid grades. I'll find some way out. Theres got to be some kind of campus on the freaking other side of the universe. One without telephones. Whenever I hear my mom talk about this I just want to cut myself off from the world.
She makes me so depressed. Dad talks about this and it sucks, but its not horrible. Mom creates doom. Doom doom doom more doom pessimisim fear fear and doom. Mostly fear. I don't want to be afraid of my goddamn future. i don't want to be afraid of anything.
Wish they'd just go away. Leave me alone.
fiona..
Darling give me your absence to night/ take all of your sympathy and leave it outside/
cuz theres no kind of lovin that can make this alright/
i'm tryin to find a place I belong/
cuz I suddenly feel like a different person/
from the roots of my soul come a gentle coersion/
and I ran my hand oer a strange inversion/
as the darkness turns into the dawn/
the child is gone.

O yeah, shes apparently coming out with a new album soon. I am anticipating that. I'm hardly happy right now because my mother just fucking sucked the life out of me.
Her Karma is shitty. I pray for her.
Stop spreading negativity folks. It always ruins you in the end.
I have a birthday party and babysitting tommorow. *tears hair out* overscheduled, but it'll be fun.
Relentless is over for this semester. Apparently we don't reconvene until Saturday.
Mom says "HOW CAN YOU BE THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE IF YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THESE KINDS OF GRADES!"
honestly, i didn't even know about my grades. I can't look at lettergrade. My computer is garbage.
Apparently i'm going to be treated like a baby now and theres going to be a password on my computer. I will have to ask my parents for motherfucking permission. What the hell. What If they're not home and I need to fucking research something. Which happens a lot. I know i truly don't have a death wish, but sometimes i just get in those moods where suddenly dropping dead doesn't seem like it would be all that bad.
My mother is one of three sources of negativity coming from a person. The other two are petty and stupid in my world civ class. But this is my mother. Why. I know shes right. But she doesn't have to fucking pound it in my head with all the guilt and shit..
God.
I've had enough. I want to run away somewhere, buy a hooker, use it, then die.
nah, thats not me thats just the stupid part of my chest talking that happens only when my mother fucks with my mind. If i got up to go to the door another part of my brain will wake up that loves my mom and feels sorry for her. Hannah light and Hannah dark. Coexisting, always fighting, always scaring the shit out of other people. I'm not sure if god and his attributes would have me any other way.

"fopUcopkopEropsop"-Me and Emily. 4ever.