Blllllfboabfniuneinecneunfilunafgibifbriefnceinu!! BLFBNEOU! BFOUBEPOIFUNCEIUNC!!!FNHEOUINFIEUN!!
fuck..fuck...
they decided it would be a cute idea if they doubled my adderol hahah o yeah very funny good one SHUT THE FUCK UP i feel like i'm on speed holy fuck I can't stop shaking i'm sweating cold like an idiot my mind wont stop running why the hell did i hurt him like that stop it shut up shut up shut up i can't think i can't sleep i want to eat but i can't open anything or remember where anything is can't tell can't tell nononononononononono fuck losing my mind bad enough before this shit chemical ew need inhalants need something dammnit fight fire with fire no illegal no brain damange NONONONONONONONO shut up stop it go to sleep i've had enough therapy shut up shut up shut up I can't take a whole lot more of this i'm sweating I ran away from school no i told the nursey wursey daddy waddy let me walk home i'm lashing out at people of course there was no test today of course of course of FUCKKKKKK!KK! brain dead. Need to do something, can't do anything, effort, restlessness, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck i've lost it i've reallly lost it this time no turning back i've evolved what the hell still that little free spirit there but shes crying cuz i fucking trapped her with my pilss ahahahahha not getting out cuz i'm gonna shoot her why am i not dead yet fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck can't quit this i am going to pass out stroke heart attack...something...
whiny little bitch. I'm sorry. I'm SORRY. I'm so sorry. Why listen? Stop it. stop listening. stop looking at me. they're all running away.stop complaining its just fucking medicine it'll all go away i don't want to hurt No..NOO!!! *sobs* I've had enough..i've had enough..It'll go away..not soon enough...
buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
someone..help me...my hands are soft again. why..the wine of course. hah..but i feel horrible. horrible. I want to kill, but i wont. i couldn't. I don't even have the strength. And I have a reason. Daddy...he'll never let go of me so i'll never kill me. thats it. I'm lost. I'm so lost. I've torn my own life to shreds and now i'm complaining again. I'm gonna point the finger only one way. at a fucking mirror. i've had enough. drugged.
Pink floyd. It all relates. Anything you think i'm implying i am. I've had enough lying. i've had enough.

The trial.

Good morning, the worm, your honour,
The crown will plainly show,
The prisoner who now stands before you,
Was caught red-handed showing feelings.
Showing feelings of an almost human nature.
This will not do.

Call the schoolmaster!

I always said he’d come to no good,
In the end, your honour.
If they’d let me have my way,
I could have flayed him into shape.
But my hands were tied.
The bleeding hearts and artists,
Let him get away with murder.
Let me hammer him today.

Crazy.
Toys in the attic, I am crazy.
Truly gone fishing.
They must have taken my marbles away.
(crazy. toys in the attic, he is crazy.)

You little shit, you’re in it now.
I hope they throw away the key.
You should’ve talked to me more often than you did.
But no! you had to go your own way.
Have you broken any homes up lately?
Just five minutes, worm, your honour,
Him and me alone.

Baaaaaabe!
Come to mother, baby.
Let me hold you in my arms.
M’lord, I never meant for him to get in any trouble.
Why’d he ever have to leave me?
Worm, your honour, let me take him home.

Crazy.
Over the rainbow, I am crazy.
Bars in the window.
There must have been a door there in the wall.
For when I came in. . .
(crazy. over the rainbow, he is crazy.)

The evidence before the court is incontravertible.
There’s no need for the jury to retire.
In all my years of judging I have never heard before,
Of someone more deserving of the full penalty of the law.
The way you made them suffer,
Your exquisite wife and mother,
Fills me with the urge to deficate! -- no, judge, the jury!
Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear,
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers.
Tear down the wall!

Pink floyd-one of my turns

( girl speaking)
oh my god, what a fabulous room!
Are all these your guitars?
This place is bigger than our apartment.
Uh, could I have a drink of water?
Ya want some? huh?
Oh wow! look at this tub!
Wanna take a bath?
What’re you watching?
Hello?
Are you feeling ok? ]

(singing)
Day after day,
Our love turns gray,
Like the skin on a dying man.
And night after night,
We pretend it’s all right,
But I have grown older,
And you have grown colder,
And nothing is very much fun, anymore.
And I can feel,
One of all my turns coming on.
I feel,
Cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.

Run to the bedroom,
In the suitcase on the left,
You’ll find my favorite axe.
Don’t look so frightened,
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.
Would you like to watch tv?
Or get between the sheets?
Or contemplate a silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly? -- would ya?
Would you like to see me try?
Ooohh. no!
Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it’s time I stopped?
Why are you running away?

I'm at the "nurse".
I'm in hell actually.
Library?
whatever. Long as everybody thinks I'm somewhere legal.
My grades are utter shit. two D's two C's one B. The b is approaching C fast. And theres no sign of going up, no chance..nothing. I've pretty much lost hope of going to Rowe. Of course If I tried real hard they might, but in the end it's all money and they wont pay for it. I don't believe they will anymore. I've just lost hope.
They really broke into me last night. And I've become a robot. A case for the good little idiot who wants to do well. Not letting her out.

Scene from Angel Sanctuary, an anime
Kira sakuya, age 8 has just been in a horrible car crash. His mom is dead and he is dying. The spirit
of the seven blades appears to him.
SB: kira, if you were able to live for a few more years, what would you do?
Kira: I would study. Read. Learn about the world.
SB: If you let me borrow your body, you could do all those things and keep living. I will grant your every wish
Kira: My mother is dead..and eventually I will die too when you leave. My father will have to grieve twice. Will you promise me then? Make me absolutely unlovable to my father?
*possesion*
(fast forward to police interrogation room, Kira is 19)
*smack* Kiras father: What is wrong with you? Can't you see you're all I have left?
Kira: I don't get it, why don't you give up?
Father: What?
Kira: Drinking, smoking, womanizing..my devious behavior was meant to deflect your affection.
Father: Sakuya-
Kira: Don't you understand! Kira Sakuya died 11 years ago! *smashes window*
Father: we need that wound treated
Kira: *blood flies up from the floor, seeps back into his skin, skin heals up on it's own* Wound, what wound? do you see a wound? don't you get it? I'm not your son sakuya...I'm a freak...get out of here...I don't want to see you again.
Father: Leaves the room, bends down crying.
Sakuya's 8-year old spirit: Seven Blades..do you love dad?
kira: yes
Sakuya: You know what? You've become a human being.

......

Because of grades I am grounded, banned from AIM, and banned from blogging from home. My parents don't trust me anymore. Why should they? I'm a liar. And a freak. And I don't want them to get upset over that. It's my bed. Let me lie in it. Don't make me wake up. like fiona tells it if you keep on killin/ you could get me to settle/ and as soon as I settle/ I bet i'll be able to move on.
I can live with myself, but I can't live with them being affected by my acceptance. You know what I did last night? After they tore into me and I didn't even sob, I just leaked? I worked on schoolwork. For hours. A very long time. And I didn't even finish it. I still have more because I'm a loser that doesn't finish things. And I tried to sleep, but it didn't work. I was shaking too much. Then I had a vision of a knife going at my arm and I couldn't stop crying. I don't want to hurt anyone that much. I'm not going to do that to myself. I was shaking so bad. I went downstairs and chugged 1/2 a bottle of amaretto and some long sips of merlot and pino grigio. Then I went upstairs, continued to shake. Then I was motionless, but restless. Then I was warm. Then I forgot why I was upset. Then I slept. I'm still asleep. And afraid of whats going to happen to me. but I know I wont hurt myself physically. That promise is the hardest to keep, but it has the best reason to keep it supporting me. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I never have
...kira: my devious behavior was meant to deflect your affection....
Stop grieving daddy. I'm dead. Leave me alone. Respect the damn corpse. respect..I don't deserve any from him. I've been treating them like shit, tossing excuses. Even now I'm disrespecting them by not going to class like a good little girl. Stop shielding me with all your pills and therapy..I want to be crucified like I deserve. Leave me to my fate. Thats all I want. What I deserve. Stop trying to intervene where it's not your place. i'll get whats coming to me. Leave me alone..
I'm still accesible by phone and possibly email. Don't mind how quiet I am for the next week or month or so. It's just the punishments. And the alchohol. I'm quite fine chemically. My emotions are mine. Mine alone. And if I feel comfy at the bottom of this hole..let me sit for a time. I'll see the light and work towards it. I just want to know how cold it is down here. Leave me be. I'll be just fine. I always have been alone.
Hannah sutin died 7 years ago. I get wounds, i do things, but they just heal on their own. I'm a freak. can you tell a smile from a veil?
I've truly lost it this time. I'm smilin. And drownin. laughing, insanely content, because i'm absou-fucking-lutely miserable. I love you guys. Don't let me get you down. I'm okay because I'm messed up. Thank you guys. I'm sorry I got myself banned from the net.


"Tequila in my coffee..thats how I start a morning"-Dimitri Saunders. A sexy mofo sophomore. No crush added.

O man, todays word on my day to day vocabulary calander..
was...
PALADIN!!
^_^
Going to baltimore to drop off my intoxicated but creative genius brother. Thinking about doing this on the way back:

Dad: Hannah, what time is it?
Hannah: I don't know..check the *CLOCK!*
*smash*
Hannah: Buahahaha! *drives three hours to find Dee*

...this would all be great if I knew how to drive...or had any motivation to learn the latter besides rendering my father unconcious and visiting my crazy militant rapper friend...or money...
What am I saying, I'll rob a bank and hijack a milk truck. Nobody needs milk. I can drink a lot of milk. Cows aren't gonna dry up, they can get more milk.

"Walter, I'm going to throw sugar in your eyes and its going to hurt like hell when you blink, sour patch."-What can I say. He's almost pissing me off.
O yeah, and check Dee's blog ^_^ (psst..s'on my funkmasta gang-banging homeslice frickin..fricka..links.)

from the book Dee sent me (Kiss Off..buy it)

The Heart

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
and ate of it..

I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter," he answered;
"but I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."
-Stephen Crane

....crane, is it?
GET OUT MY FUCKING BRAIN.

So the rest of the world is watching the Iggles, while I type and listen to kooky japanese music. I love kooky japanese music. It makes me smile. It's so eassy..happy go lucky..Everybody YATTA! Wheee!
I am cruising these days. driftin along like a reggae dude..
Walking a whole hell of a lot.
I have a secret hideout and I will not tell anyone where it is, only show pictures and possibly take you there. No directions. Buahaha. I hid there for quite a few minutes today. I've subconciously learned some body heat tricks. I sat in the snow with the freezing rain pouring down on me and I literally melted a hole in the snow and was steaming in the air. And I wasn't even moving. I laid there doing that for about 20 minutes. It's fun. You don't need gloves when you know how to do that.
You know, you have to double click twice as fast on this computer.
I think I walked about 5 miles today in different directions. I haven't really cared as much about distances. I feel like I could walk to Philadelphia sometimes. Just walk along the train tracks. I zone out. I could do it forever.
Listening to a lot more music, wishing I had money to buy all the CD's I want, being very content with the ones I have simultaneously.
Walter keeps getting drunk off Malt Liquor. Dumb. Ass. Getting drunk is already sucky and illegal enough, but why Malt Liquor? That crap is fermaldhyde hoboe liquor. Ew. He's being an ass too. He needs to cut some of that shit out. He's making himself sick.
He did shave off his odd haircut, but I still have pictures ^_^.
The end.
"My bowel movements are starting to smell like shit"-My brain randomly did that in dinner and I burst out laughing. I dont' get it! I DON'T GET IT!