Well I appear to have stumbled upon a tough decision..
Madrigals, or Apparel Design?
To most, this seems easy. Doink! Madrigals! but as I look at the pros and cons...I wonder...

Madrigals-Pros
Old Buddies
Singing in general
Learning more about music
Stamps
The valentine thing looks fun

Madrigals-cons
I probably won't get in (based on who else is trying out, and I'm not really that good)
My schedules already fucked over enough without concerts
Choir singing used to give me huge tension headaches and back problems
...my hearts not totally in it...which I think I would need...
I do not plan to sing in the future as a career (less this american Idol lark goes through)

Apparel Design-Pros
The teacher knows her shit
Making my own freaking clothes
Parents would buy me a sewing machine
meet new people
take apparel design 2 next year
I might actually pursue this as a career
Time with Emily Quinn (ohhhh yeaahhhh)
field trips to fabric shops O_O

Apparel Design-cons
Not being in madrigals with buddies
and...um...not singing...um...

huh. I went in my brain to figure out if this was an H1/H2 argument. Turns out it is. H2 wants to be in madrigals. Which is why this feels difficult because some part of me would be holding me back. I turned this dillema over to my father and his response was "Theres a 5-day a week apparel design class and you were considering not taking it?"..normally this seals the deal, but its difficult still for some obscure reason. Well, obscure to me. I know how I would act in both classes. Madrigals would be fun no doubt..but judging by how I act in choir situations, I'd probably space out and fidget alot. Artistic situations..I get lost and periods seem to last ten minutes. I could art forever...
the decision seems clear. If anyone has pros or cons to add to either list, help me out. But I think I know which way I'm leaning. And Dad is usually the closing factor on this kind of thing..so i'm keeping my mind REALLLY open.
Hung out with Kristy, Kelly Ludwig, Joe Pettine, and various potheads last night. Watched the Labrinyth (why in hELL hadn't I seen that yet?!?!?!), Amazon Women on the moon, and part of Rocky Horror before turning in. Before I went to Kristen's, I went to Wafflez's house and watched airplane. His human kept following me around. Glass Danse..good song. Need more techno. I have a lack of techno in my life. Mainly because I spend money before I make it to cd stores.
bweh.
So! Off to see les miserables with one Emily Quinn (hotness, would marry her if she was guy).
...you know, my love life would be hella lot easier if I was a lesbian. I'm too manly for men. Alas..I am magnetically attracted to the large-broad shouldered species and axe affects me like catnip. No shit. Never spray axe near me if you are male and know whats good for you.

"Pete loves me and I can't love him back..I kiss him and all I feel are whiskers! It's not fair! I'M ASHAMED OF MY HETEROSEXUALITY! So sometimes...I just gotta HURT peoplE! *puts peroxide in gwenyth paltrow's hair*
Gwenyth: Owww! Owww! It's burning my scalp!!"-guy from Cecil B. Demented, a hot movie by anyones standards. John waters...aok.

Life is thick
I'm lonely for no reason
Sage and Melissa are back together
My mom is sick and constantly whining about it
Dad's overstressed
Walters gone into a cloud of pot smoke and art
Ryans depressed
...yup, everythings back to normal.

"Let my front yard be a swamp! People can enter through the back door anyway."-Henry David Thoreau (aka eyey mc stealerson)

If I wasn't me I definetely wouldn't be reading this. My life isn't boring, but I live it loudly enough that nobody should want to read about it.
I'm getting better. A bit. But every once in awhile I hear a word come out of my mind that shouldn't be there, or a chest pain thats not supposed to happen..you know this looks very insane when you read it back. But it makes sense from my point of view. Again, if I wasn't me..
So my first reading for rascals jimjohn is on the 18th at 7:00. If you wanna help out or lend emotional support, I'd be greatly obliged.
I blacked out suddenly and then I was missing fifteen dollars and had a ticket for the soph hop in my pocket. I'm going to wear a "tux" (black suit jacket, pinstripe pants, bowtie) and my trusty fedora. Because I miss dancing. Fuck a dress...I have those and have worn those. I just need to dance. I miss it quite a bit. Thats a good way to vent rage, dance. Stomping, popping, locking, kicking, flailing all in rhythm to some drone beat...hypnotic, tiring, almost as effective as being drunk but not quite so depressing. mm endorphins.
I've said a few times that if I was the incredible hulk nobody would notice...but this Rowe thing just keeps sending me over the edge. That was my escape. The thought of being trapped in the house with my mother this august makes me physically sick. Shes not that bad a woman, really, but honestly..I can't live with her that long. I'm thinking of utilizing my bus priviliges more. I'm going to memorize some maps and just start chilling around New Hope or Doyelstown or something. Maybe even philly. Who knowseth? I'm prally going to go to gameworks on thursdays this summer and get to know some of the arcade DDR crew better. I only been there once. It was awesome. I wish to go again. and again. And again andagainandagainandagain....
I am not sure why I am this awake. I slept for a grand total of an hour and a half last night. It was one of those nights where I was just staring at my ceiling and there were too many thoughts and tensions and it was all just flowing too fast..so I sat up, picked up some art supplies, and things just started to click. I was suddenly binding pom poms and wire together, flinging stripes of paint, tacky gluing pieces of wood, drawing, going insane..there was a irrational answer to every obscure artistic question in my mind and it all clicked anyway. Where I really got lost in it was the blood. I wanted to mix a blood color. Some weird voice in my mind was saying add more purple, blue, red, yellow, red, red, red, and suddenly there was a beautiful bloody tempera paint concoction on my pallette. It was perfect. Dark, rich, red that was brighter when you spread it thin, but had the undertones of life and rotting outside the body...bleeding heart sculptures. I went mad. By the time it was all over my face was streaked with paint, my hands seemingly covered in "blood" and it was 3:30 am.
I was grinning.
I studied for my social studies test and then went to sleep, reawakening fresh as a daisy.
Life isn't great for me right now but as long as I can still do that I think I'll survive.

RBG (random black girl):..O you mean that movie with the black dude and the white dude?
HBIC (hannah butting in conversation: Which of the 50 cop movies are you talking about?

ever esperience very, very PURE rage? Where you tear and scream internally and just want to burn and kill..
I finally got permission, worked my ass of for the grades ect, ect...and Rowe fucking fills up. Waiting list? Do I even want to BOTHER?? FUCK! Why do I even fucking bother..
I swear..never been this disapointed in my entire life. Never had my heart ripped to shreds by something thats not even a person..thats usually my doing...WHY...why do I even try anymore? It all just fucks up..GOD..
well not a lot I can do about it. cept the waiting list thing...but god. Why. Its just not fair.
I'm crying. I need to get out of this fucking house. If I don't find something..this august I swear to god I'm running away. No shit. I'd come back...but I can't stay here. I'll prally find something though. Or just negate everything and stay. Cuz I'm a heartbroken coward, savvy? No quote.

I can kill y'all, you know that?
Once again the stars hadst it that Ryan and I should be unbouftably depressed this week. Muuu. Least I got some of my courage back. And my daddy got me a stereo cuz the other one died. But I still had the speakers from the other one, so I walk in my room back from lock in and theres suddenly four speakers. I put les claypools flying frog brigade in and looped riddles are abound tonight and jammed. I found out something else about the two personalities I'm trying to seperate-they like different music! They respect eachothers mutually but..I prefer pink floyd, flying frog brigade, fiona, evanescese, speakerboxxx and old jamiroquai. The other likes new jamiroquai, 70's funk, janet, primus, the love below, and destiny's child. Huh. This aint cool. I'm not chuckin half my cd's but...meh. *flies some frogs*
RIDDLES...are aBOUNNND toNIGGHHHT!
..whats the difference between primus and les's solo band? The awesome factor.
Lock in was entertaining. Laser tag is everything I love. Sniping, espionage, and techno motion..then there was pizza. I got to retell all my old jokes. Ria got sprite in her nose. Ian spazzed for about 20 minutes straight during egyptian ratscrew. WBBWEBEBEBEWBEBBFBE *puts down card* BWBIEBOIBEBEBBEBVE *smack* BAH! BAJAJAHAHAH BWBEBFHBEB!
Alison and I pwned Stare because we're good at staring at pictures. And then I got cramped in a corner with Ria, Alison, Ian, and Jeff for about an hour. And I couldn't breathe. Cuz I was fetal and I have too much boob. We all slept in the same room. Ian snores and doesn't believe me. They say I make sex noises and laugh in my sleep. Gee that doesn't make any sense *kkskxkxkkx*
Gotta stop stealing ryan's words..last I checked I had an identity-O WAIT! NO I KILLED HER! AHAHAHA
actually I didn't I'm still trying though. Its a constant and very freaking schizophrenic battle where my parents constantly catch me talking to my self. They're worried. They have reason to be. I'm in very crappy shape. Pissing acid is a sentence that my little stargirl used to repress, but It means my body is out of balance. Too much negative, not enough positive. Or too much bile and crap without the water. Nothing diluding..everything is too raw. Usually I regress. What always won this battle before was drinking, but this is the longest I've ever gone in one of these moods without drinking or attempting to huff toilet cleaner (i was doing it wrong..rather SHE was...dumbass).
I'm the only brain cell left! *glasses break*...no...that's NOT FAIR! NOOO!
did I mention I watched family guy for about two hours at lock-in?
Life is so fucking weird. I think my little 'un is afraid to be happy..true happiness involves risks..

"All you'd need is a shotgun, a bug zapper, and a porch and you'd be all set."-Some kid was playing banjo first period. I said that. Some people laughed, but it wasn't funny. I'm just running out of decent quotes. I need to go back through some frank zappa ones..he's always the coolest. A rUMOR published in rolling stone *o! o! it must be true!*

I feel like I'm pissing acid.
Don't take everything so literally people, I type because I'm afraid of taLKing. NYEHH.

Theres really only one surefire way to seperate the regressive characteristics from the real ones..look at my childhood.
What a neurotic psycho kid I was. 4th grade was by no means a monumental year in my life...but september-march of 1997 were the most well documented months of my life before blogging. I had a diary that I only wrote in in school. The contents...how did other kids put up with me? I know how adults put up with me because personally I love kids like this, but...other kids probably couldn't stand me. Hell, they didn't. I think I had friends in the single digits at that point, two or three of which probably didn't actually like me. This is why I'm getting away from regression at all costs..but for your entertainment and enlightenment, let's blast you back through the past for a taste of pure unadulterated 4th-grade, 10-year-old Hannah "H2" Sutin. The similarities to blogs from some of my "dark periods" are uncanny. All mispellings are true to the entries.

School day 17-I'm bored. No sereosly, I'm really, really, really, really, really BORED. I'm also tired. I also have an itch. I can't wait until I get to my string class. String class is fun beacause I'm the only one in the whole fourth grade who gets to go on thursday. Also we have no specails on thursday, but I get to have one.

School day 21- Health has been going on for 2 hours and 45 minutes. No offense but some people in the class are really slow. I finished health AGES ago.

School day 23-I am really hungry. So you can believe how happy I am because It's almost lunchtime. But theres one problem. I have a very lose tooth and it might pop out and I'll get blood on my lunch. Ew Ew Ew.

School day 26-Yesterday at school store I bought 41 erasers. I already had 6 at my desk so in total I have 47 erasers. I'm going to try and get 1,000 erasers by the end of the year. It's a neat hobby.
(note..i got up to 600..still have em if you're ever interested. *coughcoughNEUROTICMANIACcough*)

School day 30-I'm in a hurry again. I think alot of people are mad at me for not playing with them at recess. I'm not sure.
(Actually they were avoiding me because I sat by a tree and talked to myself)

School day 37-Ebony keeps on looking at me in so many weird ways that I can't count all the different looks! I wonder why shes doing this. either
A.shes jealous
B.she hates me
C she likes me
D shes crazy
I would prefer answer D.

School day 49-I have the worst thing that can happen at school. CONSTAPATOIN! It is so hard on me because I'm only supposed to take a short time when I got ot the bathroom. It always comes at the most inconviniet times possible
(Kxkxkkskskspelling.)

school day 52-I ran around all lunch recess singing "don't stick your finger up your nose (HONK! HONK!) cuz the nose knows its not the place it goes (HONK! HONK!)". My throught is sore.

School day 53-I've been telling everyone, "I have penguins in my ears" because I'm wearing penguin earrings. yesterday I had fish in my ears and the day before that I had watermelons in my ears. Cool but silly. I like that.

School day 117 -I need a mental health day. I'm sleepy, tired, and hungry. I had a fight with my mom this morning. I'm not happy at all. wahh! Boo hoo!

School day 119-I am very depressed. I still hate my life. I hate andrew. I hate work. I hate gym. I LOVE candy. They don't have candy at school. WAHH!

School day 125-Spice girls are my second favorite band, but I swear if I hear their name one more time I'll scream. Its all that anyone talks about!

school day 114-I feel like I just broke my spine. I swear I'm going to sue that gym teacher.

And so on. about 75% of the entries are about accelerated reader books, how much I hated gym, complaining about my class being "imature and noisey", and complaining about the heat. How the hell did anybody put up with me? Not just then but..now. What in hell?
I haven't changed enough. Thats what I gotta work on.
...poor stargirl...
*weep*

"Ultimate rejection-hand falls asleep while you're masturbating."-Truly tasteless jokes 3.