I know I've written one long blog already today, but its a free country. Almost. Damn, can't quite say that anymore can you?
Tonight-Stepford Wives with Joe, Seamus, Kevin, Chris, assorted others possibleh Gabe. Will it be any good? Will Walter spontaneously combust before tommorow? Has Hannah suddenly developed a crush on Joe Pet-IMEAN...FLIES! *overdoses on absinthe*
Its funny the books you decide to reference when you're in a panic? Of course only 'meda will understand that one..wow I think that was my first inside joke with 'meda! I need a bong..
O thats right! Mr V. Made a six foot bong in highschool! :-D!!
Emily George and Doug Farber showed up to chem finals shit-faced drunk. Funniest/ most pathetic state I've seen those two in. Doug asked me for a kiss. I kissed him on the cheek because he looked like it was possible to mop him off the floor. Not sure what that means, but that was the reason. aww. crazy bastards.
Today has been home to some strange magical moments.
1-Children (see previous entry)
2-I felt like I needed to be calmed down. Just when I thought that, starbucks stereo system started playing "bye bye blackbird". That was my lullaby when I was a wee'un.
3-I walked in my house, Joe walked through my head for about three seconds, my pager goes off because Joe paged me right after I thought about him. Go go gadget coincidence!

Strangeness comes in threes. Maybe. To the movies!
*zoom*

Britney: Hannah's a girl.
Hannah: oh really? GO GO GADGET PENIS!

I push my seed in her bush for life/ it's gonna work because I'm pushin it right/ and if Mary dropped my baby girl tonight/ I'd name her rock n' roll..

I feel very swoony right now. Not sad, its just a calm sort of meloncholy happiness (oxymoron says I) that sort of settles into my eyes. I feel like I could just have tears streaming down my face while I'm staring into space but it wouldn't really make a difference. I'm not actually sad, just sort of..warm. Love? Damn near possible.
Anyway, what brought about these feelings was about an hour and a half ago. I was in starbucks at around 10:00 this morning studying for my chem final. I walk in and put down my totebag next to one of those excellent purple plush chairs. In the set of chairs next to me theres a thin woman in her late thirties wearing a sort of bohemian-casual outfit with faded green drawstring pants, matching cardigan-style cotton shirt over a teeshirt. A headband tied back a mess of long curly brunette hair. She reminded me faintly of my aunt Jane. Her children were the two most beautiful little boys I'd ever seen. Brunettes, exuding happiness. One immediately waved at me when I came in. When I put down my bag she immediately saw the San Fransisco MOMA (museum of modern art) logo on it and said I'd brought back a memory for her. She then looked at her older son (maybe 4, 4 1/2), tapped him on the nose, and said "last time I was there I was quite pregnant with you". She turned to me and asked me if I'd been there. I said yes kind of faintly. For some reason the past few seconds had amazed the living shit out of me. I had brought back some powerful memory somehow... The little boy smiled and grinned at his mother, and then me. He waved and said "Hello!" I waved and said hello right back and he gave a little giggle-squeak and hid behind the armchair, popping up about .5 second later to look excitedly at me with these huge little vibrant brown eyes under bangs.
I ordered my coffee in a vague daze and sat down. The woman and her two boys left. She asked them to wave goodbye to me. The older one waved about five times before she carried him out. Then to my surprise a family with two little girls came in and sat in those same chairs. I listened to their dynamics and felt increasingly swoony. I looked at the mother. My feelings aren't jealousy, but desire. I want a child of my own. It's unhealthy to sacrifice all of your being and attention to another man, you lose all of your sense and self. But a child..a child damn near requires you to do that. Its the kind of love that I feel many women wish to express but cannot. It drives many boyfriends away when you subconciously treat them like your child. Trying to mold them, smother them with attention and love, clinging to them..that freaks people out. I realize that. This is probably the most female aspect of my personality. The desire to bear a child and watch them run free carrying some of my blood and soul with them..
Maybe its because of my infatuation with art. When I create a piece, a good one, I never know where I start and god knows when I end. My hands move magic and by the end of it I've created something I was never aware I started. A child..of course I know how to create a child like I know how to buy strands of wire or lumps of clay..but when they grow up they'd be something I never intended, that outside influences have shaped and eroded over time after I completed my part of molding them and put them out in the world for viewers to see..my child, my child..I'd hold them, point..I DID THAT..but in my heart I'd know that the child created themselves just like none of my sculptures ever seem to have a finished product that I worked towards. It's something to live for, don't you see? Something that you want to watch happen, gives you a will to keep going to want your life to progress and grow old..that would make me fine with aging if I had a child I could watch raise children of their own. True love from a woman in my opinion is almost always mother to child. Every love I ever felt for a man has been quadrupled by the love I felt for Jillian, that girl I quasi-adopted during camp last summer. And I feel it would be so much stronger if that little girl (or boy for that matter) carried blood of my own along with the blood of one I loved enough to concieve the greatest work of art a woman can bring into the world..
A baby. Girl named Tara. I don't know about a boy..I like Sage as a name, but it would be strange considering the mental associations that name carries with me.
Swooning, swooning..
I like the affect I have on peoples life. A woman at church bought all three of the sculptures I auctioned there in May. They'll be in her house forever until someone throws them out/ inherits them when she passes on/ buys them at a yard sale..
That seems magical. Its like my seed is spreading. The closest thing I have to sending a child of my own out into the world.
My child..aiyaa such beautiful creatures humans are in that state of true purity.

"It's like my life is out of town and I'm working on it. When it gets fixed, I'll bring it in."-Fosse

My Uncles are crazy. Specially Uncle Pete. He sent an email in response to my blog I write for my extended family to read (no link, its just a boring version of the one I'm writing now). Anyway, here is the email

hey Hannah,
i just read your 6/1 blog entry.

i'm sorry to hear that finals are biting u. I hope they get less stressful and end soon, and that all's well with you otherwise.

and i hope u kicked the shit out of that keyboard.

i found out today that i can read people's minds if i wear aluminum foil. Is that good?

p

Uncle Pete is 56 and breaks his back sometimes. He emails me several times a week.

Tutoring was postponed for an hour today on account of Jamie bustin up her automobile, so I killed time in barnes&Noble reading some comix. Joe reccomended League of extrodinary gentleman. I rather like it. I'm too cheap to buy it though. Joes getting me into the comic habit..as if I don't already have enough odd cultish habits..meh, at least its not television. He'd need to either ductape me to the couch or date me in order to get me to sit through the volumes of Buffy episodes I've never seen. Not that dating me would make me become immersed in everything he likes, its just that that would get him on a couch. Whether he's paying attention to me or not. Okay now I need to shut up.
One of Joe's friends has a crush on me. His name is Sam. Gothesque boy with a W in place of R speech impediment. Somewhat cute, chin piercing, goatee, drives a black beetle. Thanks, but no thanks. Maybe. I don't know. Like I said the sudden abundance of single males is throwing me for a loop.
I used epiphany in a sentence and my tutor didn't understand me.
I've been cooking more! I made some interesting fried rice the other day. The rice was kinda chewy, but it was still good anyway. I've become the queen of scrambled eggs. I like Adobo seasoned salt. Makes everything yummy. That and soy sauce have been my best friends. Nate and possibly sage are coming over after their makeup reading for rascals orientation for lunch, I plan on cooking then as well. Last time I cooked for friends it was that one dinner with Sage n' Ryan n' Marley. That was a good dinner. I'm giving Mrs. Von Meyer a recipie for Broccoli forest. She was talking about needing a vegetarian dish for a party next week, and I told her i'd bring her a recipie because I eavesdrop. I introduce myself to people in the weirdest ways. Von Meyer does not remember my name, but refers to me as "the girl bringing me the broccoli forest recipie".
Things are falling back into place. Good..

Mr Jacobs: So, onto the next topic-
Class: *Blahblahblahmindlessnotlistening*
Hannah: *Looks at Mr Jacobs*
Mr Jacobs:*Looks at Hannah* So, come here often?