Okay. That last entry was obviously one of those bitterness ones that needs to be fermented into fine wine (damn you seamus, working into my subconcious).
Okay! 'adored by all' was one of those sarcastic egomaniac statements that proves how badly computers express sarcasm. Mainly because people tell me that 'everybody knows/loves you hannah' and I often feel that is not true, and quite frankly huge excesses of that comment weirds me out after a time. Mainly because I know that isn't really true. But no, i'm not quite so self absorbed to think that everyone loves me. Nope. I could post a list, but that'd be silly.
Also NATE,
if you ever call yourself a shmuck again i will slap you. I kid you not. You are unfortunately one of the legions of good guys in abington that continually get the shaft by fREAkING women. Its f painful to watch. I am working on editing it. The only reason I am not editing it myself (shallow and odd is it may be) is that we are both scorpios and in theory (and in my hypothetical dreamworld) it would probably not work. Also somehow I get the feeling one day I might have a sudden charisma/noise dambreak and you would split in half. And nobody wants that. Although I get the feeling you feel the same way about relationships as I do, minus a fragment of the insomnia-induced bitterness I was carrying in that last entry.
Alright. This episode of rewriting emotional history sponsored by playtex-keeps everything in line as long as nobody lights the fuse.

Joe: And I thought silence of the lambs was going to be about quiet farm animals
Nate: well..it kind of is..

Ah, yes..LOW POINTS..
poo.
Though some excellent cinematography happened this morning (Or two mornings ago Hannah time) I feel like an old splintered drumstick.
fuck.
freaking men.
freaking women.
I'm sorry..but people...
People oft complain there are "no good guys in abington". Not true, actually. They're all over the place. I've asked quite a few out. But girls treat them like shit. Why? Because they're nice, loyal, and respectful. A human. An unpredictable sane human. However girls continually date these shmucks because they are "typical guys" and easy to predict. Why? Why in the name of god would you forsake all of those wonderfully intelligent men out there? I don't fucking get it. I've made friends with so many of these guys. I hear them lament over how women treat them. And it fucking breaks my heart. But some how the minute I raise my hand and say "date me" it never works. What do I do wrong? Listen? Hold their hand when there's problems? Make friends befORE hitting on them? whats the problem? WHy must I initially come on to somebody upon first real conversation in order to actually have them in a relationship?
It isn't fair the way some men are treated. Like goddamn pocketbook accessories or ATM machines. But the minute they ask for something in return KABLAM!
Then there's me. ADORED by all, touched by none. "people love you, hannah". Yeah. So why is it that eveRY fucking guy I ask out (save for sam) just wants to be friends. The bastards on the street, the "typical guys" yell at my boobs and butt. If I wanted, if I really wanted I could call Marla right now, ask her to find me a guy who wouldn't mind doing someone random, and I'd be fucked. But because I only go after the nice guys who supposedly finish last, I'm frickin' celibate. Atypical guys apparently do not want atypical girls for anything other than consolation.
Goddamnit it hurts you understand? Not the rejection. I get over rejection. I can understand if the feelings towards me are only friendly and cannot become more. That's normal and If I get angry by it, its silly. And unfortunate situation created by something that really isn't their fault.
But I have to sit there and watch these wonderful men get the shit beaten out of them by processions of idiot women all the while knowing how much better I could do...I hate it. I freaking. Hate. IT.
why?
I just wish someone would give me a chance.

"I have a perfect alibi. And its SCOOOOBY DOOOOO!!!"-Rudolfo

My days are moving ridiculously slowly. Summer is supposed to be over too quickly, right? The last two weeks have felt like a month. I do too much, and I will continue doing too much. You'd think after I finish RFR, mail in my congressional crud, and get my red belt I'd take time to relax and watch all of the movies I haven't seen, right?
No.
I'm planning two murder mystery parties (anyone reading this is invited to at least one), drafting a Young Adult reading program for the library, starting sewing lessons, and a bunch of other ridiculous shit that a 16-year old on her summer vacation should sure as hell not be doing. A sane one anyway. I will sculpt. I haven't done that in awhile.
My room is clean, its weird.
I am starting to become a really strange genorosity vigilante. Stargirl? yeah..kinda.
Dropped a bag of swedish fish at Seamus's
Dropped a copy of the communist manifesto at Ryan's.
Gave joe a quasimodo doll.
Dropped a bottle of homeade perfume at Marleys.
When sage was gone, dropped the care package thing at Melissas.
When Tom dumped Danielle, dropped a breakup care package at her house (molly helped a bit)
and I plan to do more.
I love people.
I am getting very paranoid and hyper sometimes. I have an irrational feel of getting too old. Doesn't make sense. I'm 16. But I feel like life is too short to do everything I want. I feel like I have to do everything soon just in case I die all the sudden and have to start over (I cling to reincarnation like a barnacle to a post). I want to help everything I possibly can, create a huge empire. I'm afraid of being left here to haunt.
What the hell?
Maybe this is why I don't read enough movies and books. I feel like if I waste time reading and observing, I'll never have time to be DOING.
Frustration.
Everything happens suddenly in my life. I invade other people's lives very suddenly and loudly because I feel like I can't waste time trying to sidle in quietly. No..I must be noticed and evaluated immediately. If I am not, I work for it. Making friends is like conquering countries sometimes which is freaking sick and wrong. I bust into peoples houses. Think about how you met me. Really, think. It was probably in some very loud, flashy fashion. Not necessarily how you first saw me..think about when I first decided to start being your friend. The only exception would be Sage, who I truly think is the sole person in this audience to call me first. Other than that, I randomly showed up at Ryan's house, I introduced myself to KT by telling her there was an inflatable squirrell behind door #2, with emily i was an egyptian plant, after sam met me on the playground, I saw him at a movie theater once, didn't talk to him for a week, then randomly called his cell and had him come over that fateful night I asked him out, I've been seeing Joe nearly every day and that started with *dials phone number* JOE! I'M BORED!..
Am I always going to be like this? Trying to outdo people who don't exist, impress people for no reason, creating useless empires..
It's what I enjoy and I play with my social life like a toy mobile, but honestly in the end it will destroy me. No matter how much I help others, it always kind of slaps me in the face.
But hey..as long as I can revert to an alternate plane of existence, it won't be quite so painful.
Assuming my parents aren't involved.
The whole Sam situation opened my eyes to how alone I'm going to be later. My parents and some of my friends made a very large mistake by separating us. I'm healed..i've always tucked and rolled with relationships. But this ones different because he didn't actually reject me. But like I said, my days are weeks. I can't believe it was only two or three weeks ago that this thing happened. It's felt like a decade..it feels like ancient history. But I know it doesn't feel that way for sam, which is freaking unfair. Why should I be a superhero and heal that fast when other people hurt?
Compassion is my curse. You know most humans would have been "eh, its just a guy" *mosy along* but I can't stand to see other people hurting whether I still harbor romantic feelings for them or not. Not freaking fair.

Todays analogy

processed sugar : human metabolism
praise&accomplishments : Hannah's ego

Today's quote

"I'm a writer. Though sometimes I feel like I'm written. People point to me and say "you see that guy? He's a real character.""-Jean-Michel Basquait